I am back into a pattern I create, which is to say “yes” and then stand back, wondering why I feel so overwhelmed. I’ve engaged in this pattern for five years now and the activity is pretty tired–perhaps downright boring. Since earning a masters degree in summer 2004, I’ve constantly worked, teaching any where from four to seven classes every two months. Only now can I admit the reality of this. Sometimes busy work is a comfort zone. I’m no longer comfortable.
I don’t know what this insight means, but just the observation brings some relief. What’s next? I have no idea. But I’m joyful enough to trust faith that I’ll make a careful decision. That’s all new. I feel like I can trust the years ahead of me. If my physical health remains steady, I could pretty much engage in any activity I wish. Did I mention that confidence is new? Nuevo, for sure. Mostly, teaching has been splashy with ego and I don’t have any left. Been there, done that. Did I mention tired behavior? Yeah, stale and dusty behavior.
True that I fell into teaching to prove myself to myself. Well into my 30s, I recognized knowledge as leverage; because I know something, you know less and that means I have one over you. Every day I observe how we all use knowledge to ostracize some and include others. Many years later, by learning to let go of self, I don’t feel the drive to use knowledge to leverage myself over others. Just that impulse highlights that I feel less than others to begin with. Otherwise why the catapult, using knowledge negatively to get one over others? Returning to my right size, I can engage in knowledge to share and learn instead of negotiate petty power.
Part of this change is to put all my classes online. I’m tired of carrying around all the papers. I can read and comment online. Or for another question, what about a life that doesn’t log in so many hours responding to student work? I’m wondering. Me, I’m comfortable earning money. Had a paper route at 12-years-old and the next summer I knocked on a random house I spied that needed the weeds removed. In a few minutes, I had my first entrepreneurial job. Earning $1.50 an hour, I worked for two months steady. But what about work that is radically different than I’ve known? Don’t get me wrong. I love teaching, especially lately because I learn so much from others, but did I mention I have too many classes and manila folders stuffed with student work that needs feedback? Yes, a change is in the air.
I mean I’m not happy because I don’t have some goodies I want (girlfriend, ice cream in the freezer, svelte body), yet every day a steady hum of joy emanates. And despite these elusive wants, I have more than enough to fulfill my needs in this very moment. I’m starting to trust that energy. Beginning to feel like life is available to me every day in a fun, playful way. The other night I went swimming in the chilly rain and enjoyed the bizarre experience of feeling cold but inspired, enjoying the challenge to move through the tepid water steady, as cool rain drops fell on my shoulders. That’s what I feel like these days–as if I’m in two different temperatures yet each inspires the other. That’s a place of change, I suppose, a blend of the familiar and uncertain creating energy in the friction there. I’m curious about how I can be of service next.
Posted by karolinawrites 