Saturday New Full Moon

February 9, 2010

This time last month I stared giddily into a full moon, and I was in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii. I don’t know anything about the moon and its influence; I just feel it. My astrologer friend who lives in Savannah, Georgia just published her online astrology column for this week reminding everyone that this full moon on Saturday precedes Valentine’s Day. For those in love, I wish you a wonderful weekend. The skies are just right for a little star gazing while holding hands, whether in Kona or San Francisco.

For me, I am still solo. My heart is still saturated by the same woman from this time last year and still nada. Life happens. I remember last year I felt so angry at her. Why? That seems strange to feel angry at someone you like. Sometimes feeling vulnerable can spike anger. I have had to practice staying open to new feeling and change. All the same, my anger resided for a while and then I felt fear. Those two are different sides of the same coin, yes? And now I’m just sprayed by a touch of melancholy. We hope for events in our life and when they do not come to pass–well, just that. Acceptance that this event did not happen.

The Georgia astrology guru tips her single readers to fall in love with life. Now that I can handle. Every day seems so fun and full of surprises. This Valentine’s then I celebrate life change and community connection. Two of my dreams are starting to take shape–parenting a child and working in the field of cinema. The girl is still absent, but who knows–Saturday is a full moon and anything can happen in that winter light. Happy Valentine’s everyone.

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Posted by karolinawrites

Swimming to the Surface

February 9, 2010

Working with 80 students in this two-and-a-half-month teaching sprint called the quarter system, I am left with little time to write. My last post on the Blog here was a few weeks ago and this feels like years ago. Just now, though, I’m starting to sense an ordinary pace to my life. Or what I mean is a safe rhthym. So much change in the last year was about swimming in new waters, but barely surfacing for air as menancing wave after surprise wave of difficulty appeared from no where.

Yesterday I went for a literal swim in a beautiful pool that I shared with only two other gym members. My lucky privilege always feels so spoily when I stare underwater at the clear blue walls shimmering with sunset streams of light. The water felt warm and I pulled strong through it feeling air cruise easily through my lungs. I felt strong. In many ways, as I enjoy an engaging life these days, I return to my body–the grace and energy of her. Routine exercise like this swimming steadies that energy and also develops my stamina. These swimming sessions help me practice adversity because the chilly San Francisco air stings shoulders and head above the surface, but underneath the warm water encourages me to glide through the water smoothly. I feel ready.

For example, I don’t consider what will happen tomorrow. I’m trying instead to easily show up for all those moments in the day that count. My mind is as clear as my body. For a while there, the relentless crashing waves gave me pause–could I see and swim to the top clear surface? I had some doubts. Not any more. I’m in a peaceful place of change and the dizzying, can’t-catch-my-breathe days are over. I will say humbly that I don’t believe they will ever return in this simple little life of mine. Just an intuitive guess made from under the water looking so clearly around at others swimming steady nearby.

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Posted by karolinawrites