February 25, 2010
I am back into a pattern I create, which is to say “yes” and then stand back, wondering why I feel so overwhelmed. I’ve engaged in this pattern for five years now and the activity is pretty tired–perhaps downright boring. Since earning a masters degree in summer 2004, I’ve constantly worked, teaching any where from four to seven classes every two months. Only now can I admit the reality of this. Sometimes busy work is a comfort zone. I’m no longer comfortable.
I don’t know what this insight means, but just the observation brings some relief. What’s next? I have no idea. But I’m joyful enough to trust faith that I’ll make a careful decision. That’s all new. I feel like I can trust the years ahead of me. If my physical health remains steady, I could pretty much engage in any activity I wish. Did I mention that confidence is new? Nuevo, for sure. Mostly, teaching has been splashy with ego and I don’t have any left. Been there, done that. Did I mention tired behavior? Yeah, stale and dusty behavior.
True that I fell into teaching to prove myself to myself. Well into my 30s, I recognized knowledge as leverage; because I know something, you know less and that means I have one over you. Every day I observe how we all use knowledge to ostracize some and include others. Many years later, by learning to let go of self, I don’t feel the drive to use knowledge to leverage myself over others. Just that impulse highlights that I feel less than others to begin with. Otherwise why the catapult, using knowledge negatively to get one over others? Returning to my right size, I can engage in knowledge to share and learn instead of negotiate petty power.
Part of this change is to put all my classes online. I’m tired of carrying around all the papers. I can read and comment online. Or for another question, what about a life that doesn’t log in so many hours responding to student work? I’m wondering. Me, I’m comfortable earning money. Had a paper route at 12-years-old and the next summer I knocked on a random house I spied that needed the weeds removed. In a few minutes, I had my first entrepreneurial job. Earning $1.50 an hour, I worked for two months steady. But what about work that is radically different than I’ve known? Don’t get me wrong. I love teaching, especially lately because I learn so much from others, but did I mention I have too many classes and manila folders stuffed with student work that needs feedback? Yes, a change is in the air.
I mean I’m not happy because I don’t have some goodies I want (girlfriend, ice cream in the freezer, svelte body), yet every day a steady hum of joy emanates. And despite these elusive wants, I have more than enough to fulfill my needs in this very moment. I’m starting to trust that energy. Beginning to feel like life is available to me every day in a fun, playful way. The other night I went swimming in the chilly rain and enjoyed the bizarre experience of feeling cold but inspired, enjoying the challenge to move through the tepid water steady, as cool rain drops fell on my shoulders. That’s what I feel like these days–as if I’m in two different temperatures yet each inspires the other. That’s a place of change, I suppose, a blend of the familiar and uncertain creating energy in the friction there. I’m curious about how I can be of service next.
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Life | Tagged: change, chilly, comfort zone, ego, knowledge, service, swimming, teaching, temperatures, tepid, uncertainty | 
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Posted by karolinawrites
February 12, 2010
Back in the day, I spent a couple weeks on Kauai with a girlfriend, the same year when Bobby McFerrin’s song spilled onto the airwaves. His title “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” resonated so well with sitting on the beach sipping beer after beer, enjoying the sun and alcohol’s warmth. Inevitably, though, the night would turn cold as I would fight with my girlfriend. Excessive drinking nearly always brings drama.
In my life right now, I do not have one ounce of drama. And I genuinely don’t expect to again. But I am wide open vulnerable and cry or laugh a few times a day, but that feels pretty normal now–expressing real feeling instead of pretend feeling, which is simply alcohol infused melodrama. I think of the big theatrics in Richard Albee’s play “Whose Afraid of Virginia Wolf,” where Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton grandstand around the living room imagining that their pouting hysterics are real. I am so happy I do not have to witness or experience moments like these again.
Enjoying peace of mind is the jingly feeling you enjoy while listening to a bouncy song like “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” Sure, life stresses are around and yet at core I am free. One funny element in my response to life is that I’m unusually soft around other people’s suffering. Perhaps as I truly alleviate some of my own hurts, I’m a touch fearful of watching pain in others. Not quite sure if that is at all clear, but what seems at play is that as I heal on a deep level, I can finally admit how painful some life events have really been, which opens me up and makes me prickly to others. Huh? I didn’t always promise clarity on this blog, right? Maybe a healer needs to heal first? We’ll see. I am not worried just happy–even if I miss out on my hoped for dream date on Valentine’s.
I would stay and write more convoluted self-insights, but a special song beckons me–has a light reggae beat and a pancake syrup quality sounding voice. Ever heard it?
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Posted by karolinawrites
February 9, 2010
Working with 80 students in this two-and-a-half-month teaching sprint called the quarter system, I am left with little time to write. My last post on the Blog here was a few weeks ago and this feels like years ago. Just now, though, I’m starting to sense an ordinary pace to my life. Or what I mean is a safe rhthym. So much change in the last year was about swimming in new waters, but barely surfacing for air as menancing wave after surprise wave of difficulty appeared from no where.
Yesterday I went for a literal swim in a beautiful pool that I shared with only two other gym members. My lucky privilege always feels so spoily when I stare underwater at the clear blue walls shimmering with sunset streams of light. The water felt warm and I pulled strong through it feeling air cruise easily through my lungs. I felt strong. In many ways, as I enjoy an engaging life these days, I return to my body–the grace and energy of her. Routine exercise like this swimming steadies that energy and also develops my stamina. These swimming sessions help me practice adversity because the chilly San Francisco air stings shoulders and head above the surface, but underneath the warm water encourages me to glide through the water smoothly. I feel ready.
For example, I don’t consider what will happen tomorrow. I’m trying instead to easily show up for all those moments in the day that count. My mind is as clear as my body. For a while there, the relentless crashing waves gave me pause–could I see and swim to the top clear surface? I had some doubts. Not any more. I’m in a peaceful place of change and the dizzying, can’t-catch-my-breathe days are over. I will say humbly that I don’t believe they will ever return in this simple little life of mine. Just an intuitive guess made from under the water looking so clearly around at others swimming steady nearby.
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Posted by karolinawrites
