I remember so clearly when I was 19-years-old asking questions on whether I should open an Individual Retirement Account (IRA). By then I had read somewhere about compound interest. The idea of accruing that much interest over 20 to 30 years sounded fascinating to me. I only heard a scoffing chuckle at the idea of someone so young opening an account of this sort. Resenting having to hear yet another laugh to belittle anyone with a new idea (who does she think she is pretending to make grown up decisions), I dug my heals in like any good alkie and milked that grudge for, well, 25 years.
Today though I let that resentment go. Recently earning enough money to pay my debt down, I am planning for my financial future for the first time. Why? Because I am worth it. Alright, alright that sounds pretty basic, but money is psychology, yes? Accruing substantial debt simply reflects feeling that if I can only buy enough then I will feel complete. But sitting here all comfortable on the sofa after a delicious bowl of my favorite ice cream–Ben and Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk–I feel pretty set. So, I probably spent $5 today. That’s the radical difference between today’s budget and yesterday’s spree spending. I already feel so whole I don’t need impulse purchases to chase after the weight of material goods to lend me bulk, fill me up. As anyone can see in those extra pounds I’m carrying right now, a simple bowl of ice cream has already accomplished that. And it’s inexpensive.
The other basic psychology twist is that for years I lived in victim mode as if someone owed my something. As if. But active addiction spoils you like that, making you believe childish behavior is justified. Took me watching my younger brother organize his finances so well and responsibly, to learn how it’s done and now ideally I will follow suit. Also, as a single lesbian, hoping to become a mother, I accept future assistance is not at all in the picture. Straight girls can sometimes have it easy in this regard.
I’m feeling comfortable because it’s been three weeks to the day since I looked in my checking account and knew I could start over again. This is my biggest second chance in life and with some spiritual grace I predict that I won’t blow it again. Actually, I’m starting to feel super rested and ready for new life challenges. Bring ‘em on. My most amazing blessing right now is that I can quietly know, because I feel it so strongly and urgently, that I will never ignore my intuition again as I did when I was 19-years-old. Maybe I was too young to grow up then, but certainly at 44 I’m not.
Posted by karolinawrites 